There are many ‘Professional’ Bloggers on the Internet. I am not one of them. I am a Mom that needs an outlet. I am also a Mom that has been through the trenches. I feel that if I am able to help one person by sharing our story, that I should. So my blog is for me. My blog is also for anyone else that it might encourage.

What is our story? There is Hope. I remember the day that Ethan was first diagnosed with Autism. I remember walking out of the Doctor’s office with Freddie and Ethan. Ethan was happily skipping down the sidewalk, acting out the Wiggles videos. Freddie was mentally far away. I looked at them and then looked out around me. In that moment, I no longer wanted to live. I was done and life was over. Mom dead. Dad dead. Ethan – gone. The child I once played with, kissed, loved….his mind had been stolen and the Ethan we knew before Autism was…simply….gone. I remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom for what had to have been hours. I would do this day after day. The phone would ring – I would not answer it. I wanted everyone and everything to go away. Ethan did not know me anymore. He did not need me. He did not love me. He stimmed and made noises. He came to me for food or drink, nothing more. I was in so much pain that I simply asked God to not let me wake up. The bottom of the pit.

But God brought people into my life. Friends that would show up at my house when I did not answer the phone. I’m not sure they even knew what was going on with me. In front of them, I put on this “Happy, I’ve got this” exterior. So how did they know to just show up? They just did….

The first Speech Therapist gave me the sparks of hope. She shared with me stories of kids pulling through this. Stories of kids regaining speech. She shared books with me. She shared hope with me. I allowed myself to consider the possibility that Ethan could get better on some level. To Believe is SO hard. To Believe means you have to let the walls down and take a chance at feeling the pain that almost killed you the first time. Then I met some Autism Moms. They offered to come to our house and help. Strangers wanting to come help you? This was odd too. We accepted the offers. We allowed ourselves to Believe even more.

God continued to place people in our life that were Exactly what Ethan needed at each stage. Oh the LEAPS of Faith we have taken as we transitioned from one level to another. Just as we were excited, happy and comfortable at one place, God would challenge us to take the next step. It was never when Freddie and I were ready. We have moved forward -scared to death. God has never let us down. Even when we have been completely rung out over a situation, God has ALWAYS brought things together for Ethan’s good. After one particularly trying time, I asked Freddie “When are we gonna learn to REALLY Trust that God has this?”

Jeremiah 29:11 (New Living Translation)
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

So why do I blog? As I have said, it is an outlet for me. If not one single person reads this, it is okay. It helps me articulate my feelings so that I can wrap my mind around my feelings. But if it can reach that one person and spark that little bit of Hope, I want it to.

So I received an email, asking me to apply for a blogger position on an Autism website. Huh? I seriously laughed at the email. You’ve GOT to be kidding. I am not a real blogger. I make SERIOUS gramatical errors and my spell check is so-so. Next thought – they must be DESPERATE for a blogger. Still laughing about the thought of it, I deleted the email.

A week passed and the email kept coming to mind. I talked with Freddie about it. I spoke with one of my Sisters about it. Hmmmm…. I prayed about it. Blogging for myself is NO pressure. For hire….YIKES!

I went into my email trash and found the email. I read through it, searching for a reason that I couldn’t do this. No reason was found. O.K. I went to my blog to review my own posts. One thing that stood out is that I talk about God. Every single blog has a reference to God. Not sure how well that would go over on a main stream Autism site. Would I be willing to not blog about my Faith. I could write about Autism without sharing my personal beliefs of Faith. My decison – I will not blog without God. He did not leave us, I will not conceal Him.

So I applied for the position. I sent in a copy of a previously written blog – God and All. I really do not think that this site wants a Christian blogger. But I guess that is what I am. I have never thought of it that way before. I really do not anticipate getting the position.

So why share this information about a job I do not expect to get? Life gets busy and we can sometimes forget where we stand and who we are. It is so easy to get sucked into life, conversations, relationships, etc that are not really “us.” I have learned that the hard way this year. I have learned how negative, bitter, backbiting people can steal your joy. How the Devil can use people to hurt you. How he can twist things in life that are nothing more than misunderstandings into huge, hurtful deals. How seemingly Christian people can be the most hurtful and judgemental.

When this happens, I have learned to remember who I am. I am a sinful person in need of a Savior. I am someone who makes mistakes, but will always want to make it right. I am a mess, but a mess who Jesus thinks is worth dying for. I Believe that God can do all things. I believe He can Heal All things and All people. I Believe that God is Healing Ethan. I know who I am and what I Believe.

For those bitter folks, I will pray for you. For the non Believers, I will pray for you. For the Moms walking out of the Doctor’s office with not one ounce of Hope, I will pray Hardest for you.

For the Autism website folks, I will pray that while I might not fit your mold, that after reading my blog, you will consider giving Faith a voice.

As for my Family, I will continue to pray for God’s Protection to be around us. He is Faithful and has got this.
As I have said before, I may not understand God’s plan, but I know that He says He is Always with us. In the fire, in the Lion’s Den, He is there. I know who I am. I am His.