What a FREAKIN day!  This day has been coming for weeks now.  Stress from all sides and then today.  Irritations from so many directions.  And then today.  Today my bubble got burst.

Ethan has been doing so well for so long.  I think I allowed myself to believe that we had this beat.  That we had done the work and that we were in maintenance mode – forever.  Wake up, Sister.  We were in a holding pattern.  This fight has just begun.  Then I start to question myself – Is it that I was in denial of what was happening with Ethan or have I let other things distract me.  Other things and people that are insignificant in the big picture, yet have drawn my focus.  It is time to re-evaluate my choices in life.

Maybe I know more than I should about autism.  Maybe I read one too many books, went to one too many conferences or spoke to one too many experts.  I know what is potentially around the corners.  I know the signs. I can quickly and obsessively chain out the ‘what ifs’ of Ethan’s future based on one bad episode or day.  So I have basked in the joy of the last year.  Our whole family has needed that year.  The year of success and awards and some sense of normalcy.  Not too many worries.  Lots of laughs and good times.  My Freddie has lit up our lives and we have so enjoyed having him around. 

And then he deploys…..

And then Ethan gets sick, again.  I worry what is causing one thing may be a strong indication of what is to come.  Like I said, I have read one too many books….

I know that there is no cure for autism.  I know that many times other ‘issues’ go along with autism.  These issues can be emotional and physical.  Ethan has both.  It is crushing to find that he has been in pain and did not know how to verbalize it. 

So at the end of the doctors appointment, she tells me that we need to go get some testing done downstairs – including labs.  OH PLEASE NOT LABS!  Ethan’s head snapped right around at me – “The shots?”  Ansley was with us as well.  For a 4 year old, she is quite the little Mama.  “No!  Mom would not let them do that….Right Mom?”  Here we go.

Labs.  Ethan knows that word.  He has had every test available done on him.  Labs are not something you just go do with Ethan.  But today we needed them done.  It was ugly.  Two kids, one sitting on the floor of a crowded lab unit.  The other in my arms as I body hold him.  Oh I tried to do it the ‘nice’ way at first.  He became irate and it took me and three nurses to get it done.  He screamed at me.  The words cut me deep.  He hated me for letting them hurt him.  Ansley was crying.  Rough doesn’t begin to explain it….

We got to the car and everyone was quiet.  The Fresh Beat Band came on their tvs so I just sat there for a minute.  This is not going to end.  I am fooling myself if I think it will.  I just don’t know how to make it easier for him.  I try the best that I know how.  I wish my Mom were still here.  She had an answer for everything.  She would totally have this figured out.

My brain is so fried from all of this.  Years of worry and research.  Years of trying to get Ethan ‘through’ this while ignoring the truth that it evolves.  New ‘issues’ are just around the corner….and I haven’t Got This. It’s got us.  I am forgetful.  I am irritable.  I have little patience with people acting ignorant or petty.  Almost 9 years of autism is wearing on all of us.

So what can you do?  Pray.  If you are reading this blog (rambling), please pray for Ethan and for our family.  We are tired and rung out.  Please pray that we are taking Ethan in the right direction and making good choices for him.  Please pray for Ansley’s sweet heart as she looks out for her brother.  And please pray for Sweet Freddie as he is deployed.  Last, please pray that I will be what Ethan, Ansley and Freddie need me to be.  That I will find a way to manage the stress of it all without tearing someone’s head off.  And please pray that God has a reason for all of this.