I never know when the moments of “normal” will come with Ethan. Many times it comes at bedtime. Maybe he feels more relaxed at bedtime and is more open to just talk. Maybe at bedtime, all of the things that keep his sensory system on high alert are turned off so he can just be himself. Either way, I treasure these moments when he is- dare I say- normal. We talk and it makes perfect sense. He asks deep questions and I do my best to answer in a way I think he can best receive. There are a few close friends that I share these golden moments with and we bask in the joy of what can be as Ethan grows up and becomes “Big Guy Ethan.”
Today I was surprised when a moment of clarity came at lunch time. We went to the early Church service and were now having an early lunch. It is a beautiful, sunny day and we planned to get out in it.
“What happened to me, Mom? When I was little and I cried a lot. What happened to me?” Wow. Ummm…ok so i pushed my plate away and we started to talk. As we discussed things, I thought- I wish I knew when he was 3 that when he was 11 he would be okay. Our “okay”. The kind of “okay” that means we can talk and that life is good. The kind of “okay” that means Ethan knows that we love him and he reciprocates that love. This life thing is challenging for Ethan, but he is learning. He is happy. He is clingy at times and fiercely independent at others. He is a mixed bag….just like every kid. I watch him grow and I am amazed at the progress he has made. It is nothing short of a miracle. Those who have been with us all along the way voice this as well. Ethan’s progress is a miracle.
If the me, way back then, had only known. We were given such a poor outlook for Ethan that we were completely devastated. We were not to expect much from him. We were not to count on having any ‘real’ connection with him. He would be the child we cared for, but no connection. For years there was no connection. For years I knew that my role in Ethan’s life was to feed him and provide him toys. That is all he needed from me. No “I love you” for me. I would say it to Ethan and sometimes he would repeat what I said, but he didn’t even know what it meant. But at 7 years, 2 days old….May 15, 2011….. Ethan looked me in the eye. We were swimming in our pool and I noticed he had stopped swimming and was staring at me. At this point I had given up hope of the “I love you.” I looked back at him and asked what he needed. His response shook my world. “I love you Mom. I really really love you.” I absolutely cried my eyes out! I got to him as quickly as I could. I hugged him closer, harder and longer than I ever have. Freddie was also there and ran over to get in on the hug. It was a moment I will never forget. I knew in that moment that we had him back. The little boy that would hug me and wanted me….the little boy that at 2 years old needed me and at 3 years old didn’t know me….he was back! Life continues to throw a lot at Ethan as it does everyone. But he knows we love him and will help him. We know he loves us and needs/wants us. Life is life, but we are in it together. So as he asked these questions this morning, I decided to record some of it. Be encouraged if you currently have that distant child that you think doesn’t need you. Life can change on a dime.
And that change can mean everything.
Not Quite What I Ordered 