It’s a perfect day to get outside and start running again. Maybe not exactly running…a fast jog. Getting out there and moving is the point. So here we go. Ethan and I, both looking like a hot mess. Slow but moving. I’m so glad that Ethan’s ankle is strong enough for us to jog. It took months for him to walk confidently on his ankle, after banging it up. “Today is a good day, Mom.” I’d like to agree, but I know what is coming today. “I’m glad you’re happy, Ethan. I hope it is the best day ever.”

It’s been 11 years since we got an autism/anxiety diagnosis for Ethan. Almost 1 year since he had his grand mal seizure. In this time, we have learned how to help Ethan balance his world. We usually know what will upset him. It is a fine balance to help him cope without ‘bubbling’ him in. We use videos, social stories, and lots of conversation to help him. Ethan has grown in ways that he was never expected to. It is amazing for someone who knew Ethan during the hardest years, to see him now. Freddie, Ansley, and I have become Ethan experts.

So we know. We know what will cause this ‘good day’ to change. We can prepare him in every way we know how…but there are days that life is going to happen. Ethan will have to face things that are a great deal more unnerving for him, than they are for other kids. We brace for it and help him all we can. The hard times always pass, but they leave a mark. The mark is not only left on him.

There are times when, as Ethan’s primary care giver, I just don’t have it in me to deal with any additional thing. Good or bad, nothing additional. Maybe all of the marks left on me need time to heal as well. My heart and mind are tired. I don’t talk about it often, because who wants to focus on that anyway? And if you don’t live it, you will never understand it. So it sort of stacks up, in an internal pile. The pile gets higher and higher, until I need a break.

So I let some things go, focus on what has to be, and allow myself the space I need. I take inventory of our days and make hard choices. I try to keep a balance that all of us are happy with. The balance is working for us, for now. However, that balance equates to me saying ‘No’ to many things. I remember a time when I felt bad to say no. How ridiculous is that?

Autism Mom Friends- take the time you need. You aren’t the only one who feels like this. Let things that are ‘choices’ go. Don’t willingly take on more than you can handle. If anyone is offended, they’ll get over it. Learn to say ‘No.’ If you are in this season, take the time you need to get a balance. This season will pass. There will always be future things to say ‘Yes’ to.

Ethan is looking forward to a great day. I hope he continues to think that after getting shots today. Yes, we have discussed it. He seems ok with it. However, I’m sure it will be a different story once we get to the doctor. I pray that he will only be upset for a little while. Typically this would cause him to be very emotional for the rest of the day/evening. Weepy is a good description. Jumpy and easily startled. It is hard to watch him be so unnerved. I wish I could take it all away from him. I try to. But the one thing he knows- I will carry this with him. I will help him deal with the anxiety and talk about what a great day tomorrow will be. He sometimes says, “Can we start this day over tomorrow? Can we have another Wednesday this week and make it good?” I explain to him that we can make Thursday a double good day, so there is no need to have another Wednesday. I understand what he means though. I wish we could erase and get a re-do on all of the bad days. But since we can’t, we will push forward and make the next days better.

We are in a good season with Ethan. Well, minus a shot appointment, we are in a good season. We are in a catch our breath season for our family. It is a needed time and something we recognize after all these years.

We’ve had friends/family express concern over us not visiting, not attending things, not being as social. I hope this helps explain why. We are good. We just get a little tired sometimes.